Rough Day.

It's been a rough couple of days over on this side of the computer screen.

Work is...well...underwhelming. My boss is growing more and more critical of my work pace. I bust my chops from the time I hit the door, to the time that I leave, but there isn't any recognition of that. I make fewer and fewer mistakes, but there also isn't any recognition of THAT, either. (Just an endless re-discussion of the new mistakes that I'm making). This also an office that doesn't always run efficiently and a VERY demanding boss who believes that she and her needs are always going to be more important than anything else that anyone else is doing. Also, EVERY one of her jobs that she gives me is Job Priority #1. I try to guess what order to do them in, but always come up wrong. I think she just likes to complain.

It makes going to work and being at work, difficult. My enthusiasm is waning.

On top of that, cash is a little tight right now. I'm slowly digging my way out of the hole that my work-free May and June got me. But it's a slow, endless process. The end result is, I say "I'd love to do [that fun thing that you just proposed], but I can't. Cash is tight for me" over and over to people. September will be a little better. October might just be A LOT better.

On top of that, Maggie is hurt. It all started on Tuesday evening, when I came home and she didn't come looking for me. Which is a pretty big deal. She likes to see me when I get home. I found her in my room, on the floor, unable to stand. Her front legs were working just fine, but she couldn't get her back legs to stand or walk. She half-drug herself over to the door to see me and I fell down around her, to see what was the matter.
I carried her up into our bed and petted her and soothed her. She shivered a lot and looked into my eyes and tried to tell me that something was very, very wrong and it scared her. But she didn't whimper or cry. Whatever it was, wasn't hurting her. Just paralyzing her.
We went to bed early on Tuesday and I massaged her legs and worked out any kinks that I could find. She could flex her legs fine and again, there was no pain. But she still could barely use them. I ended up carrying her up and down the stairs to pee in the backyard. She was so pitiful. She'd squat down and pee and try to step forward and just slump over and look up at me, as if to say, "Why aren't my legs working right?"

I worked normal hours yesterday. When I got home there was some improvement. Not a lot, but she could stand and wobble around. I decided that I had to take today off and get a vet, and schedule a visit.
A quick websearch found a vet, a block away from my house. A good one. I called last night and left them a message to let them know that we were coming today. I also shifted the budget around to make some cash for this process. I knew this wasn't going to be cheap. I also called in for work, a full night before and notified the temp agency and took it from there.

So, today was a day for cashing a check and getting home to prep for our 2pm vet visit. Maggie napped all day today. But when I left to go to the bank, she crawled into the living room to watch me leave. It was so pitiful. I almost couldn't go and I nearly started crying, walking out the door. You don't ever want to see your loving pet, weak and unable to walk, dragging themselves into the room to keep you from leaving. God, it hurt.

I took a midday call from Megan and I told her a little bit about what was going on. She was super supportive and wanted an update to Maggie's progress. I need to call her later. When I got off the phone with her, she called Hendo and told him what was going on. He was on the road today, doing work with a client up in Beloit. He immediately called me and asked how he could help. He said he would cancel his lunch with his client and be back here by 2pm, to take us both to the vet.

I didn't even have to ask him. He just said he would do it. And he did.

I am sometimes, not a good friend to him. By which, I mean to say, I do not always appreciate how good a friend he is to me.

Fuck, I'm tearing up again.

2pm slowly came around and Hendo got here to take us up to the vet. I carried Maggie down to his car and we put her in the back. I didn't even bother to bring a leash. I knew that she wasn't going to be going anywhere that I didn't carry her. Hendo drove us the block up to the vet. They were very, very close to us.

I carried her inside and all of the vet techs greeted us. They knew her name (and mine) and they knew her problems. They were super supportive. They showed us to a back room and I put her on the floor and started to fill out the information sheet. Hendo hung out in the waiting area for us.

I was nervous. It was the first time that I'd had Maggie in a vet in years. And she's developed a few medical problems, but there was never cash to deal with them properly. So, I felt like a neglectful dad. A poor parent. A lousy pet owner.

But the staff at the clinic put me at ease. They listened as I described what had happened. They asked me about her health problems and I told them. The checked her heartrate. And her mobility. They petted her while I described her sleeping arrangements and her poops and her general health. They were very patient and kind to us both.

Eventually, Hendo came back to where we were and he stuck it out with me throughout the whole process. He was there when we met Dr. Leonard, the vet. Dr. Leonard quickly explained that it probably wasn't a pulled muscle. (Horrible shock #1) He said it probably was much more severe (Horrible Shock #2), most likely a slipped disk and that she would need surgery, right away. (Horrible Shock #3). I asked him if he would do the surgery. He said that he could, but that he shouldn't. That there was a much better neurologist in Northbrook who could and should do it. I asked him how much it would probably cost. He estimated that it would be around $5000. (Horrible Shock #4) I asked him if I could do some sort of payment plan with the neurologist and he said, matter of factly, "No. They don't work that way. You have to pay up front. And it has to happen today or tomorrow."

And there it was.

A $5000 surgery that she had to have, that I couldn't afford.

Or what? What was the alternative?

I could hear the sound of my soul walking through the rooms of my mind and my heart, turning off the equipment and closing the doors behind him. Dr. Leonard took Maggie off to be x-rayed and I sank down into my chair, defeated.

I couldn't pay that.
My dog was going to die.
Maybe not today. Maybe tomorrow, whenever I schedule it. But I can't afford to pay for her surgery. So, I have to euthanize her, I guess.

Bits and pieces of me began to fall off the shelves and I began the slow, shuddering process of total emotional meltdown.

Maybe Hendo could see it on my face. The shock and anger and defeat. He started asking me questions...

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know."

"Where are you going to get the money?"

"I don't know."

"What will you do if you can't afford this?"

"I don't know."

"Get up. Start calling people. Call your parents." he said. And that's what I did. My mom makes more money than my dad does. So, I knew that was my best bet. I'd already called her and asked her to be on call for me. So, she knew the call was coming.

She couldn't afford it either. It's complicated, but her assets are all tied up, right now. Hendo looked at me and said, "I can't afford something like that, either." Again, I didn't even need to ask. But he was right there, ready to help, if he could.

The vet came in and said that they were processing her x-rays and mentioned the possibility of a Vet Credit Service. You apply, get a line of credit, which pays the vet and you pay it back. With interest. He had a vet tech print out some information about it. Including the phone number to call to apply.

The whole time, I was walking and talking in slow motion. People would ask me questions like, "Do you want me to schedule the neurologist for today?" and I would say, "Sorry. Hold on for just a second, please." or "What's your social security number?" and I would tell them. I had the credit company on one phone, my mom on another phone and the vet and the vet techs asking me questions from the front door. I juggled as best as I could, occasionally handing one of the phones off the Hendo, to update my mom on what was going on.

Initially, I got rejected for the credit. (Horrible Shock # Fuck It - It's All Horrible Now) But the phone technician helpfully suggested that I get a co-signer and apply online for the credit. Hendo immediately asked the vet tech if they had a computer that he could use. They set him up with a mac and he went to the website, entering my information and then my mom's information, as she dictated it to me and as I wrote it down. The website said that they needed more information and had a phone number to call. Hendo called them, while I sat on the floor petting Maggie. In my heart, I was thinking that this might be the last time that I ever see her.

The credit company asked Hendo to have my mom call them, asap, to enter some information. I called her and passed her off to Hendo, as Dr. Leonard called me over to another computer to look at the x-rays.

Maggie has a slipped disk. Maybe two of them. It's pretty common for dogs with these long bodies. It happens, as they get older. But the disk in her vertebrae was pressing against the nerves in her spine and it was causing the partial paralysis. Surgery had to be done to relieve the pressure. He volunteered again, at that point, to call the neurologist and schedule the appointment. I left him to do that and went back to my room to see Hendo and Maggie.

Hendo left the room to ask the vet techs something and was there when Dr. Leonard explained to him what the neurologist had said to him. Apparently the neurologist was excited to hear that she only had partial paralysis. In fact, she'd been up and walking around a bit, at the vets. That was a very good sign. He recommended that we give her a Cortisone shot, pump her full of steroids and let her rest. He wanted us to keep her off her feet and let the meds do their work. Who knows, maybe she won't need surgery after all.

The first bit of good news in the whole ordeal.

So, Dr. Leonard and the vet tech held Maggie down and gave her a shot. She didn't whimper or fight. I think she was exhausted by the whole ordeal. He remarked about how impressed that she was as calm as she was.

Dr. Leonard set an appt for us for Monday morning to visit the neurologist out in Northbrook. He gave us pills for her to take, in the meantime. Something to strengthen her immune system and I don't know what the second one does. The vet techs billed me for the service, which came within $10 of being everything that I had on me. And they let us go.

2 hours after I got there.

On my way out, I thanked them for everything that they'd done for us. Dr. Leonard said, "Let's get this taken care of and then bring her back in. She's got a raging ear infection. We can take care of that, too." And that sealed the deal. He knew what was wrong with her. He knew that I knew and he didn't care that it wasn't treated until now. He just wanted to help us take care of it, going forward.

Shortly before we left there, my mom called and said that we'd been approved for credit. So, I'm covered for our visit on Monday to the neurologist. I have to take off work and arrange transportation, but those are small concerns, compared to knowing that it's financially covered.

We got home and I put Maggie to bed. She's been sleeping since then. That was 3 hours ago. I tried to nap, but I couldn't. I couldn't shut my brain off. I called Joe and told him everything that had happened. He said that we would figure out the finances and work it out, together. I called my mom and thanked her for staying by the phone and making all of the calls that she did. I texted Hendo and thanked him for all of his support. When things got really, really bad, Hendo went into crisis-management mode, while I shut down, internally. I can't properly articulate how much he helped me today. I can't imagine what that experience would've been like, without him.

So, that was my day.

Tomorrow is another rough day of work in the office. And then I'm coming home to look after Maggie. Saturday and Sunday are low-cash spending days for me. And then Monday is the visit to the neurologist who may or may not, cut my dog open. If he wants to, I'll let him do it. I'll take on a big financial debt. I'll alter my life to work to pay the bills and take care of it. Because I need that dog. I'm not ready to let her go. I thought about what that would be like, today and the grief was so intense that it nearly shut me down. So, I'll make the time and the cash to take care of her.

I need her too much, not to.

Going back to check on the dog,
Mr.B